What it means to Pass

There is a thing in the transgender world that is called passing. What this means is that you come off, you look like, you present yourself to the world as the gender you are, the one you feel like, and they see you as such. This is called passing. To transgenders this is so important, because it is validation. There can be a lot of doubt when you first come out and you start transitioning, there is a lot of struggle with seeing yourself as one thing, but your body shouts another. So for someone to call you (say it’s FTM) Sir, or dude, or man, or anything else along those lines, it brings relief and validation and it helps you feel good. It means that you are recognized how you want to be recognized, it also helps when you are treated as that gender. It helps solidfy your identity within yourself, it shows that you can defy the odds, it shows that you are who you are and no one can tell you otherwise. It brings a sense of pride within myself when I pass, even when it’s with people whom i knew when I was presenting as a female.

I went to a musical recently at the school i was in stagecraft in for a year. The last show I did I made some more connections with the guys then I did the girls. So when I saw people I used to know, who honestly made not much a care to me before I was suprised when they were excited to see me. There were 2 guys whom i never really made a connection with, and the ones I least expected to hug and interact with me, but I got hugs! They seemed genuinly happy to see me and interested in how i was doing. They seemed to recognize me as a guy, I was passing pretty well in my opinion that night, and it was cool to feel validated like that. They also used male slang with me, I never came out in high school, but i’m sure people had their suspicions. Then with some girls that I used to be kinda close to, just waved and brushed me off, which hurt, but I let it roll off.

I question myself a lot, which I’ve heard isn’t unusual, but when i’m having a day where I pass, where I particually feel masculine, it makes me feel good. It makes me happy and comfortable with who I am. I never had good self confidence, but since coming out, and the more I pass, the more confident I become.

It means more than you could imagine when you pass. The validation is immense and the happiness is incomparable.

My Past Is Not Invalid

When I was in Marine Corps Jr. ROTC back in TN I received the nickname of Mama Bird from some cadets as I loved to take care of people. The name grew as did the responsibilities alongside it, I brought it upon myself to always look out for the cadets, it was how I fit into the unit. As a senior who was only a Lance Corporal (3rd lowest enlisted rank) I couldn’t do much, while all the kids my age were the highest ranks, had the highest positions, and ran the unit. This is how I was able to feel responsible, have a place, make a difference. Still 2 ½ years later I am apparently remembered by some. When I came out as trans to one of my closest friends who was in ROTC with me, she asked if I didn’t want to be called that anymore. I told her no, because that is still me, it’s still a part of my past, it is and always will be a thing that happened. Go ahead and call me Mama Bird if you so wish. The fact that it is a female connotation does not invalidate my masculinity or my gender, to me it was a role I took on and that will never change.

In 2012 I shipped off to boarding school, residential treatment to be exact. It was all girls, in one house, 36 of us to be precise. To me, this is where I found my footing with being transgender, I always kind of felt like the man of the house, although I never voiced this. The whole time I was there I took care of bugs (spiders and cockroaches especially), I found ways to keep the girls laughing, generally being stupid and making a fool of myself, did idiotic shit that really only a guy would do, helped with heavy lifting, and made sure to hold the doors when I could. My personality shined through, and In time, looking back, I was coming through as a guy, even if I couldn’t admit it. The fact is, I went to treatment, and I went with a bunch of girls, and that won’t change. Without the program, I honestly wouldn’t have figured out this quickly (or maybe at all) nor would I have come out this soon, when it comes to being transgender.

Just because all my old school work has my birth name on it, just because all the childhood stories were when I was presenting as a girl, just because I have pictures of me in a dress, does not mean I will hide it. It doesn't mean it never happened, I fully embrace the fact that for 18 ½ years of my life I presented as female. I fully embrace the fact that I had a life, that things came just by my biological sex, and I will not deny any of it. I will not invalidate it. Your past shapes you, it shows how you’ve grown. I am damn proud to be transgender, I will scream it from the rooftops. My past, shows me, as a person, not necessarily a girl. I will speak openly and honestly about my past, always.

I am Male. I am Female. I am human. I am ME!

I can see into the eyes and lives of both genders. I can sympathize with certain things when it comes to girls, I can understand shit ya’ll have been through, and I am not going to deny it. I am also not going to feel odd when having a conversation regarding things that are typically for/about girls.

I will talk about how much it sucks to have a period, because guess what, i’ve had one, or two, or at least like 50 by now.

I will talk about bra’s, and how they are suffocating, and how they are irritating to wear because if my strap shows, I will stop passing.

I will talk about being catcalled, because in the past I have been catcalled, and it sucks. It made me too self-conscious and it hurt.

I will talk about predators, sexual assault, and rape. Because I have been a victim in that world before.

I will talk about boys, okay I admit i’m honestly just Gay, so yeah i’ll talk about boys with you.

I will talk about the pressures of society on girls, I will talk about the sexism and inequality there is, because I have seen and suffered it first hand.

I will talk about these things and others because I have lived it. I will talk about these things because for 18 years society pegged me as female, and until I figured things out, I rolled with that. I will talk about these things because I was born with a uterus and boobs. I was born with more estrogen in my body and it made certain things different for me growing up.

Even if I can sympathize with certain female issues that other males may not be able to, I also will do things typical of guys and can sympathize with a lot of things guys go through.  

I will talk about male privilege. I will talk about how things are easier for guys in certain aspects and how there are double standards that are absolutely absurd.  

I will talk about how girls are confusing as hell, because they are. I don’t understand how they operate, I don’t understand most of the crap they do.

I will get into pissing contests, because why not! They are fun and it further instills some male characteristics within myself. They also fill a certain odd need of being competitive with other males.  

I will talk smack and be a dude. Talking shit with other guys about and at each-other while you all are sitting right there, teasing and griping, it’s all part of that culture, and it’s something I have and will continue to do.

I will walk, talk, and act like a guy, because I am one.

The thing is, I am really only human, I am unique, and not just because I am Transgender. I fill stereotypes of both genders and that’s okay. Don’t be afraid to be who you are, and just live life to be honest. Also, when someone is transitioning, if you know they are, lend a hand, they may not automatically know how to live the life of that specific gender. If you can, invite them out to be with you and your friends on a guys or girls night. Get them involved, give them tips, and just be generally supportive. Also, don’t judge them if they still relate to the gender they grew up as, it’s hard to let go, and if they let it go quicker than you would think they would, or are kind of in the middle and let it go in certain aspects, but don’t in other ways, then just let them be who they are, no need to judge.

Being transgender is unique, challenging, and has it’s own little quirks, respect that.

I manspread, but I don't have balls.

For a lot of guys manspreading is an act of making sure our balls don’t get squished, because ouch. You know when a guy just gets *too* rough with your boobs and it hurts? Yeah, times that by 10 and make it when you just simply sit down. Okay you may be thinking, but you don’t have balls physically and biologically, how would you know? For many FTM’s things like that are just mental instincts, I cringe and go to protect down there if someone gets hurt down there, just like any guy. There has been research that shows Transgender brains align more with their ‘preferred’ gender, than the sex they were assigned at birth with due to their body parts. There are some things that we are just able to instinctually sympathize with. For other guys manspreading is their way of getting comfortable as well, a lot of guys are bigger or taller, the way we are also built physically is slightly different, it’s not as comfortable to cross our legs or keep them closed, plus, like, effort. Girls, you can not tell me that you haven’t been curious and just tried manspreading before. Mhmm, I know it’s comfortable isn’t it. It’s relaxing right? There ya go. It’s also a show of dominance and manliness. Manspreading is a notoriously manly thing, it’s one of our small ways of showing off, when you girls sit up with your legs crossed, it leaves some to the imagination and also shows you off a bit, it’s alluring. When we spread out we are trying to show how big we are, how much we have to offer. That’s also why we cross our arms a lot in that position, it makes our muscles flex. Just like an alpha male of an animal group puffs up, or roars, or does specific things to that species that shows how bad ass they are, it’s our way of roaring. It’s almost a way of establishing territory, one-uping another guy, showing off for the ladies, or showing them how big, strong, and manly we are. Manspreading can be linked to pride and strength in my opinion. It’s a thing us guys do, if you don’t understand, try it. If you still don’t understand, well that’s okay, guys and girls are different, it’s how we are born, and that’s okay.

I manspread, and I don’t have balls.

~CJ

Just, why?

Why would I ever want to write a blog about myself and my journey? Why would I want to shout to the whole world that I am Transgender? Well, because for one writing is therapy for me, it's relaxing and helps me process. Second, why wouldn't I want to shout it from the top of my lungs? I am so proud to be who I am and to discover myself, and if I can help others by expressing that, then why not! I want to educate people on being Transgender, I want to give people that insight into my mind, the mind of Transguy. I want to help people who are confused and lost find their way, whether it be that they are Transgender themselves, or they are a family member or friend to someone who is.

I am writing this simply because I want to, I love writing. I have written a whole entire novel. It sucks, it's horrible and probably won't ever get published, but I wrote over 120 thousand words. It is also helping me personally process a lot of things, it is helping me transition by writing this blog.

Welcome everyone to Confessions of a Transguy.

~CJ